CHOKE CITY – The Boston Red Sox recently lost their chance at the MLB Post Season, suffering a humiliating loss in the American League Wild Card Series against the most phony team in Major League Baseball.

The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry runs deep, but Red Sox fans are seemingly indifferent to slander from their adversaries. As of late, Max Callello, a local New York fan and Delbarton student, has insulted the Red Sox with insults like “they are a poverty franchise.” 

However, it is apparent that the Yankees are truly the “poverty franchise”, and are in fact the kings of Choke City, USA. In the 2004 ALCS, the Yankees led the Red Sox 3-0 in games; they only needed one to go to the World Series. Boston came back to win four games in a row, making New York the first team in MLB history to lose a best of seven series after leading 3-0. In more recent years, specifically 2022, the Yankees were swept 4-0 by the Astros despite winning 99 games in the regular season.

Of the 27 World Series wins the Yankees claim to have under their belt, twenty predate the United States first landing of a man on the moon. It's safe to say that the Yankees “dynasty” is prehistoric.

It’s also, evidently, dead. The Yankees have not won a World Series since 2009—that’s 17 years. Much more than half of the entirety of Delbarton students were not even alive to witness their World Series win.

Not to mention that Schlittler has nothing on Payton Tolle’s immeasurable aura.

So, will the Yankees win the World Series? Probably not. The chance of them beating the Rays for their ticket to the ALCS is slim…at best.