TRUMP CITY — In what White House officials are calling "the most beautiful naming ceremony in the history of names," President Donald J. Trump officially renamed the Sun the "Trump Star" on Tuesday by executive order. This completes an arduous six month legal battle with NASA.

“I am the best. Quite frankly, no one does it better than me”.

Users on social media have also discovered that an account on Polymarket with the username “johnbarron#1” that executed a trade titled “Will Donald Trump rename the Sun to Trump Star in two minutes”. This user, who is definitely not Donald Trump going by his alias, is estimated to have made $400 million dollars from the trade. 

"Nobody knew the sun was so complicated," the president told reporters on the South Lawn, officially the Trump Lawn. “But I figured it out. I always figure it out. Now people are saying it's the brightest star in America. Some are saying its the brightest in the whole world. 

The announcement comes after a remarkable renaming spree. Just last month, the White House announced the change of the Panama Canal (which they took back) to "Trump Canal", and before that, the Pentagon to "The Donald Trump Building of Peace and Love".

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt read a statement confirming that the renamings are "permanent, beautiful, and frankly overdue”. Leavitt was soon relieved of her duty and transferred to the “Trump Department of (insert random made-up department that Trump made up on the spot”. Experts believe this was due to her mismanagement of the pushback that came with the renaming campaign, which bruised Mr. Trump's ego. 

International reaction has been mixed. France has lodged a formal protest over the renaming of the Eiffel Tower as "Trump Tower Paris". French President Macron called the move "an act of cultural aggression." The White House called Macron's remarks "very unfair and also he's short" (he’s only 5’7”). President Trump then took to Truth Social, where he remarked how France surrendered in six weeks to the Germans (in all caps).

On Capitol Hill, Republican senators were largely supportive. Sen. Lindsey Graham called the naming of the Sun "a historic win for the American people and for stars generally." This came after Graham threatened to bomb the sun into flames. Sen. Ted Cruz said he had always felt the Sun was "underbranded" and praised the president for his "cosmic vision." When reached by phone, Sen. Ted Cruz was calling from Trump International Airport (formerly Reagan National), en route to Trump Beach (formerly Cancún). This occurred as a major hurricane ravaged through Texas. 

Some members of Congress responded with alarm.”I do think the president should focus on lowering costs for the American family," noted Chuck Schumer, Democrat Minority Leader. He was escorted out of the Trump Capitol Building.