WASHINGTON, D.C. - United States Secretary of Defense “War” Pete Hegseth has once again enacted sweeping reforms to the nation’s military-industrial complex. Hegseth, 46, announced these changes at an unprecedented in-person gathering in which he summoned every commissioned officer in the U.S. armed forces. Numerous insiders confirmed that the meeting “could’ve been an email”.

Hegseth pledged to remove unnecessary barriers such as combat experience, leadership experience, or any relevant experience. Moreover, generals and other officers are now evaluated and appointed by their ability to “win wars”, which includes jawline definition, facial hair length, and, most importantly, hip-to-height and hip-to-waist ratio. There will also be a mandatory “lethality stare” assessment conducted via a webcam by a panel of retired vets (who now work in consulting).  

“We are not gonna be dealing with fat generals anymore,” Hegseth declared, his arms characteristically flaring out to the side (see photo).

“I’m sick and tired of walking in the halls of the Pentagon and seeing “beard-ohs”, “weird-ohs”, and “hear-ohs””. 

“And we’re no longer the woke department, or the weak department,” he continued with a sneer. “No more electric tanks, no more gender confusion, no more climate change worship. We are laser-focused on our mission of warfighting.” 

Pete “Edgar Allan Bro” Hegseth then paused to let his powerful work of rhetoric settle before addressing another threat to military readiness that’s been plaguing the Pentagon: non-males. According to Hegseth, these individuals had infiltrated the military through a loophole under the Biden administration that allowed for qualified applicants to apply.  “These so-called women were promoted under Biden,” Hegseth continued, “but many of them were hired under Obama, and born under Clinton. This decade-long conspiracy by the Democrats has weakened the fighting capability of our military.” 

“That is why I’m proud to announce a revamping of our military's testosterone-boosting program. Under this new-and-improved program, our fighting warriors — both male and the others — will be subject to mandatory testosterone testing. All warriors who fail to meet the required levels (1000+ ng/dl) will then be subjected to our mandatory testosterone injection program. 

Obviously, Secretary Hegseth's testosterone is beyond doubt — his manliness fills whatever room he graces. This was on full display when the Secretary physically screwed in the new “Department of War” sign in the Capitol Building with his sleeve rolled up (see photo)

, proving to everyone that not all Ivy-educated guys were whips who sit in their air-conditioned offices in their little white collars. 

“We will officially be renaming the Department of War once again to the Ministry of Peace,” Hegseth continued. The CIA is to be renamed to the Ministry of Love. Prepared notes from the Ministry of Truth indicate that these Departments had always had these names.

Mr. Hegseth has also displayed his alpha-ness through his continued success at spreading his bloodline, his ambition only rivaled by that of Genghis Khan. A pious fundamentalist, Mr. Hegseth loved matrimony so much that he did it three times. His masculinity is also reflected in the alpha names of his sons Gunner and Rex. 

And no one knows more about the Secretary’s hyperalpha masculinity than the women in his life. His first wife, whom he met warming the bench at Princeton, divorced him in 2009 after he admitted to a few extramarital affairs (it was five). His second wife, Samantha, married him in 2010 but divorced him in 2017 after he fathered a child with a Fox News producer (who is now his wife). Hegseth’s former Fox colleagues Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Howard Kurtz, and Ed Henry have come out, stating that workplace misconduct and sexual harassment are merely “initiation rites to join Fox.” 

A sworn affidavit from Hegseth’s former sister-in-law alleged that his second wife had an “escape plan” and would routinely hide in closets out of fear of him. Hegseth also allegedly had to be carried out of a Minneapolis strip club by his brother after attempting to rush the stage. But it’s alright though because Hegseth claims he was “forgiven”.

Hegseth continued his speech by answering questions regarding the lethality of his decision-making at the top, particularly the striking of drug boats in the Gulf of America. 

“You can’t see anything,” Hegseth brushed dismissively. “The things on fire, it explodes, and there’s smoke. That’s called the fog of war. And what you woke media try to do is to try to spin this into another news bit, another gotcha moment in your little air-

conditioned offices on Capitol Hill.” When pressed on whether the “fog of war” doctrine extended to follow-up strikes on survivors clinging to wreckage, Hegseth said he “didn’t stick around” for that part of the mission because the Department of War has a lot of things to do, but that the admiral in charge “had complete authority” and “made the right call.”

“I had moved on to my next meeting. Coupla hours later I learned that that commander had made the—which he had the complete authority to do, and by the way admiral Bradly made the correct decision — to ultimately sink the boat and eliminate the threat.

He sank the boat, and eliminated the threat. It was the right call, we have his back, and the American people are safer.” 

The Secretary wrapped up his remarks by pulling out a Bible and emphasizing his commitment to being a good husband and father. “Everything I do is guided by Scripture,” he said, before reciting a passage from Caesar 27:15

Hegseth’s remarks were then interrupted by a procession of nine children “of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness,” who ran to the podium shouting “PAPA.”