WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that it would once again lower its hiring standards for its Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers. The announcement came as part of an aggressive nationwide recruitment campaign, with DHS officials confirming that applicants no longer need to have more than a kindergarten education.

Under these new standards, prospective ICE agents are required to know the alphabet, be able to count to 20, and identify six unique colors within a two-hour testing period. Extra time is given to those with accommodations. The DHS will also provide additional training and instruction for applicants who cannot spell their own names.

“Contrary to what the fake-news-left-wing media splurts,” Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin said on Fox & Friends, “we are not lowering standards by any means. We are merely removing unnecessary barriers that prevent talented American patriots from serving their country.” Markwayne Mullin, famous for his two first names, then spiraled into a thirty-minute rant about how he understood why his former colleague Rand Paul was attacked. 

There will also be reforms to the agency’s criminal background checks. DHS officials responded to detractors by arguing that these checks have long discriminated against otherwise qualified applicants with extensive criminal records. Under these new standards, prospective agents with histories of assault, domestic violence, child abuse, and other violent crimes will no longer be barred from applying to federal positions such as ICE. “For years, the radical left has pushed DEI into every aspect of American life,” said Ben Shapiro to his seven remaining followers in his characteristic weasy voice. “But it’s suddenly a terrible thing when a hardworking convicted felon wants to serve his country. Very typical of the woke liberal hypocrites.” When asked whether it was good to have convicted offenders rounding up women and children, Shapiro responded that “it is irrelevant how they feel. Facts don’t care about your feelings.” 

These sweeping reforms will also extend to ICE academies, where recruits are expected to receive coloring lessons focused on staying within the lines. After demonstrating mastery in coloring, recruits are then given a firearm, equipped with live rounds, and sent out into any city that didn’t vote for Donald Trump.  

Amid heavy backlash, the DHS asserted that its enforcement will be guided by “objective, data-driven criteria.” Recruits are now to be provided with a definitive “skin tone” chart (laminated in case their apple juice spills on it) to help identify suspicious individuals, with the suspicion level increasing proportionally with the darkness of their skin.

 They will also be provided with a checklist of which demographics to target. The list includes women, children, and anyone who appears to be doing productive labor that adds value to society. Cartel members and violent criminals are nowhere to be found. 

However, despite the slight relaxation of ICE recruiting standards, DHS also continued to face backlash from conservative media outlets who argued the standards were still too harsh. Notably, the late Charlie Kirk of Turning Point USA again criticized the agency for requiring applicants to demonstrate the ability to count to twenty. 

“Abstract arithmetic such as addition has become yet another barrier preventing true, hardworking patriots from serving their country,” Kirk announced to a rowdy and energetic student body at a TPUSA event at the University of West Penntucky. There are more lifted trucks than functioning headlights in the student parking at UWP.

“Let me ask you a simple question,” Kirk demanded of a random “liberal looking” student (he had glasses on). “Do you think George Washington, our founding father, knew how to count to twenty when he crossed the Delaware? Do you think Jesus Christ knew how to count as he was crucified? Do you think President Trump, our Lord and Savior, knows math? Of course not. But the radical left wants you to believe that a border officer who's defending Western civilization somehow has to. That’s Marxism. That's jihadism. That’s DEI. 

This policy came from his party by the way. 

The Department of Homeland Security defended its requirement, asserting that the ability to count to twenty was a prerequisite for on-field performance. According to a DHS spokesperson, basic arithmetic skills ensure that a group of twenty overweight middle-aged chuds agents can efficiently organize when tag-teaming a single mother of two walking her children across the street. Twenty also happens to be the recommended number of shots the ICE agents should shoot at “suspects”, good samaritans, or any unfortunate soul that happens to be in the vicinity of the ICE officers. 

“For too long DEI has lowered standards by prioritizing “gender identity” and “wokism” over qualified American patriots,” Pete Hegseth announced. “These new standards will ensure our border enforcement warriors are equipped with the necessary skills to enforce maximum lethality, minimum legality.”