Corcoran Industries has received an award from HR Magazine for being the most inclusive workplace despite having no workplace or workers. Industry experts consider this "the final step forward toward equality.” On Tuesday, Meridian Dynamics Global Holdings announced a flawless Diversity, Equity and Inclusion score of 100/100 by laying off all of its human employees and installing a warehouse full of orangutans.

"We examined the numbers, which led to our discovery," explained the company's Chief Equity Officer, uncomfortably ensconced in a beanbag chair six feet from a nearby human for safety. "Every method that we used to analyze the information yielded the same conclusion: humans always outnumbered us. Humans in human resources. Humans in finance. Our floor managers and purchasing agents were all human. It was a systemic problem."

The firm's new DEI model, labeled "Beyond Representation: A Post-Occupancy Model,," contends that the only workplace that is truly equitable is one in which no social group is overrepresented because humans are present. The newly dubbed “monkey jungle” warehouse has reportedly received the highest employee satisfaction scores of any such facility in the country. It was noted that this "removes a significant source of response bias," because there is no one there to respond.

Meridian's latest reorganization drew a single laminated sign reading "This Space Intentionally Left Equitable," attached to the wall formerly occupied by the reception desk. The quarterly all-hands could not have been more peaceful and productive, as it was exactly zero minutes long and provoked no interpersonal discord.

"You have to realize every hiring decision is a decision not to hire someone else," explained Dr. Persimmon Vale, a consultant who charges $1,200 an hour to help companies understand this — so they can get rid of her invoices. "If you selected a left-handed, mildly gluten-sensitive Sagittarius, you narrowly met the criteria but still failed to select all of the other 8,791,999,999 inhabitants of the Earth. The only way not to fail any further would be by not selecting anyone. We term this 'Radical Non-Selection,' and quite frankly, we think someone should finally have the guts to start firing everyone indiscriminately."

A trade publication described the company's newest "Inclusion Dashboard" — a straightforward pie chart, a whole circle with the words "N/A" written inside — as "nothing more than refreshingly unambiguous."

For the detractors of the previous order, it is most telling that the warehouse itself is not blameless. A former facilities worker — the facilities department having been closed down, like the rest of the company — has maintained that the building is "oriented such that it favors morning light and is not evenly distributed over all four walls."

"We're commissioning a study," read the sign on the wall, which has only been given limited permission to make declarations. "If we're paying more attention to the east wall than the west wall, that's a hierarchy, and hierarchies are how oppression walks into the room. Even a room with no people in it."

There are rumors of the building also going up for sale.

Competitors Rush to Keep Up

Fearing being eclipsed on the share table, rival firms have started aping the policy. One tech startup has announced it will be "publicaly executing its boss" for image reasons, while a regional bank has ensured there is only one employee in customer-facing roles: A two ton African elephant from the plains of Kenya, and therefore by definition not favor, any customer, as it invariably only eats all the money.

Another large airline, in an apparent bid to compete with these other providers, announced that all new flights will be crewed entirely by the concept of teamwork, which passengers report results in a noticeably poorer in-flight drink service but a notable improvement in psychological safety scores. 

Some shareholders, few but vocal (very), questioned how a company with no human employees at all could still generate enough revenue to run. The smartest person in the world, known only as “Sebastian Thomas”, head of Delbarton Industries, did not take these questions seriously, describing their reasoning as "very 2023 thinking."

A note from the CEO was delivered to the press under the front entrance of the locked-down warehouse: "Revenue equals outcome" is merely another interpretation of these words.

Analysts explain that the share price is not moving mainly because no employee remains on the payroll to move it, and the trading floor itself was shut down for being a non-inclusive space.