South Philly, PA - News from internal sources of the Green Onion have just revealed that Jalen Hurts, 1x Super Bowl champion and SB MVP has committed to surgery planning to implant rocket boosters in his rear end. After three straight losses after an 8-2 start, and most recently a 19 - 22 overtime loss against the LA Chargers where he threw 4 Ints, he has decided to go back to his roots and do what works and that’s “ getting my buddies to push my butt” said the eagles star. The scheme for the eagles is simple, have his teammate Saquon Barkley carry a lighter and that’s about the only thing he can do because clearly he can’t carry the football for 2 yards. He hides the lighter in his shorts pocket and when needed, simply light the fuse in the rocket boosters and watch as he soars to the endzone for six. If this gets overturned by the league, not to fear eagles fans. Hurts has a backup plan to proceed with buttock surgery to triple his rear end size to get more people to push his tush and increase the strength behind him. To me this has gone to far, the eagles as an organization are falling off a cliff and this was not the rope to pull you back up. The team has reached a new all time low offensively. Hurts has 6 turnovers in his last two games after starting with only 1 through 11 games. Their offensive coordinator is also more brain washed than retired Antonio Brown. We’ll keep you updated on this story, from the Green Onion team ✌️