WAKE UP, AMERICA. The day will soon arrive. The birds are singing. The flags are flying. The bald eagles have assembled. It is almost the Kirkiversary. One year ago, the nation lost Charlie Kirk. Today, Americans gather not just to mourn, but to commemorate. After his death, Charlie’s memory skyrocketed onto media platforms, with people honouring him all across the world. He became an integral part of the online culture of the early 21st century, and forever cemented himself under the alias, The Great Kirk, as dubbed by redditors. Across the great American nation, citizens are preparing for the most important commemoration of the year. Families are gathering around their televisions. Children are being handed miniature ceremonial torches. Grandparents are dusting off their finest Kirk memorabilia. Millennials are recording and embarrassing themselves by acting like children. Chronically online basement dwellers everywhere are coming together and agreeing for the first time since anime girl mommy bathwater went on sale; this is no laughing matter. The messaging sitting on every keyboard warrior's tips (pause) is that Americans everywhere will step outside and face the horizon. To honor the fallen, in unison, they will raise their hands, signifying the flame. And all as one, our great nation will erupt into a rendition of “We Are Charlie Kirk” by Spalexma. At this point, nobody knows what the flame is. Nobody dares to ask. Because the flame is within us. At least that is what the chuds who don't touch grass are saying. 

There are certain dates that become permanently etched into the history of a nation. Independence Day. Thanksgiving. New Year's Eve. And now, apparently, September 10th. For millions of Americans who contribute nothing to society, Kirkiversary has become a day of reflection, celebration, and absolutely unnecessary amounts of social media posting. What was once simply another date on the calendar has transformed into an occasion so significant that people have begun asking the most important question of our generation: “What are we doing for Kirkiversary?” Experts say the answer is everything. As people on social media usually do, for this supposed event, they have developed copious amounts of a disease called Stultitia Digitalis Validationis, which in layman's terms is known as “Acting like an Idiot for Strangers Online Approval Because I have No Father Figure In my Life.” Unfortunately, because of the massive rise in cases of this disease in goon caves throughout America, 9 out of 10 doctors recommend people to stay off social media until this wave passes as the disease is highly contagious and fatal to your perceived social status and self respect. Even though this is terrible, experts have also noted that less people are suffering from a vitamin D deficiency, because they are finally leaving their abodes to fatally embarrass themselves. Some prevalent figures in these studies believe that this is only a temporary fix, as the disease is dormant until a few days before and after the Kirkiversary.

The only thing stopping the Kirkiversary being a national holiday are the branches of our government refusing to acknowledge the pleas of the discord mods. I heard from an insider in the discord mod community who wishes to stay anonymous that they are preparing a revolution as they feel they aren't getting representation. Supposedly, they plan to stop paying taxes as a way to get the government's attention. One editor of the Green Onion noticed the similarities between them and our great forefathers but I'm sure no employed person would mind the discord mods being thrown in jail for tax evasion. Unfortunately for us, Donald J. Trump has responded to the pleas of the discord mods and kittens alike through his infamous twitter page. After checking multiple sources and confirming that it was the real account of our esteemed president, I will now show an excerpt from said tweet: “I have heard the people of the country and I have to say, those officials saying it won't happen. That's fake news. I will personally make sure that my friend, the Great Kirk, is immortalized in this glorious country.” Yes, the president of the United States of America, did in fact, say that on twitter. Shocking. Anyway, do not let any of this news take away from your experience this September 10th. 

HAPPY KIRKIVERSARY 🇺🇸🔥

LONG LIVE THE FLAME.