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Amazon Employees Enter Fifth Week of Strike, Demand Extended Health Care (BezosCare) Coverage
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: As we enter the fifth week of the Amazon shutdown, tensions mount as splurge buyers across the country call for an end to the impasse and negotiations between upper management and employees. Outraged that their instant pots, off-brand lululemon gear, and other crucial applications would not arrive within the day of order, thousands across the country now desperately seek alternatives, wandering onto the websites of Ebay, Craigslist, and even Walmart. Reporters from the Green Onion arrived at the Amazon compound as Andy Jassy ordered the preparation of ICBM bunkers, smuggled onto the sovereign soil of Amazonia through numerous returned packages, to threaten picketers who have besieged the locale. He told reporters that upper management “won’t be extorted” and that these employees have “lost their way and will return to the path of light with help from our employee Prime video subscription.” Jassey denies allegations of subliminal messaging. Employees in response issued this statement: “we will not stand down until Jassey and upper management extends our health care privileges, including BezosCare.” The speaker requests anonymity out of fear of silencing by executives and has been taken into the Witness Protection Program by the Department of Justice. President Trump has threatened to raise tariffs on Amazonia in response to Jassey’s actions.
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