SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: This week, CEO Kelly Ortberg of Boeing reported that the company has begun production of the 797-100. Green Onion reporters rushed to the scene as Ortberg expanded: “Our scientists, using the MAX Law, have devised a novel airframe. To heighten the aerodynamic profile, the aircraft will have no wings.” Critics have hailed the announcement as a revolution for the aviation industry. Famed aeronautical engineer Leon Skum told reporters that “this is just the beginning. Soon we will slingshot aircraft all across the country.” Economists likewise have praised Boeing for their decision, “they have solved their chief problem: long flight durations.” Since October of 2018, customers have railed against Boeing for slow aircraft, which permit nefarious organizations such as United to hold passengers hostage for longer time frames. Some critics remain skeptical. One Boeing whistleblower, anonymous due to fear of disappearance, told the Green Onion that “Our beloved company has made a mistake focusing on engineering, they should return focus to stock buybacks for major shareholders.” In response to these announcements, Airbus, oft grilled by reporters for their poor safety records and French origins, released details on a similar craft, the Airbus A390. Leaks to the Green Onion have confirmed that Boeing will market a version of the 797-100 without plug doors, calling it an “open air platform.”