BASKING RIDGE, NEW JERSEY: The Guinness World Record Committee has announced that Devon Ahnler has set an international record for the most time spent on a phone, 168 hours and 59 minutes, after which Ahnler collapsed from sheer exhaustion. The seventeen year old refused to take his eyes off the screen whether eating, in the shower, or in the bathroom. His parents called the World Record Committee 24 hours into the spree, believing they were a psychiatric hospital. This record has alarmed many, parents, the National Institute of Health, and Apple as part of a concerning trend amongst ‘Gen Z’ and the subsequent generation, Gen Alpha. In response to claims of addiction to their devices, Apple announced that they would extend the ‘Screen Time’ function to include multi-day screen time usage in order to “...gather data to confirm whether a negative trend exists,” CEO Tim Cook stated. Immediately following this record, reports reached the Green Onion of an eight-year-old in Derry, Maine, who created a group chat of artificial intelligence machines which ‘role-played’ Adolf Hitler, Joseph Goebbels, and Martin Bormann. He reportedly stated “The fatherland! Mein Fuhrer! Ja, I’m home! ” In response, worried parents formed the Parents Against Cellular Devices group on Facebook, which currently has twelve members as many had trouble navigating the “...newfangled…” platform. The Green Onion will issue an update on the matter soon.