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Green Onion Music Desk: Metallica Goes Soft, Adele Turns 35, and Ozzy's Estate Accused of Being Too Moderate
Exclusive updates from Jollywood, California, where the music industry continues to make decisions.
JOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA: Reporters from the Green Onion have received a variety updates from some of the greatest musical acts of the last century, here is a sneak peak.
- The heavy metal band Metallica has announced their newest album: Death, Dying, Die, Dead, featuring singles such as “Kill Everything,” “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” and “Rainbows and Puppies.” Even more excited than the fans, colleges have followed these decisions with interest, searching for the peak football walk-on song.
- Bowling For Soup has declared they will rewrite the theme for Phineas and Ferb for the show’s newest seasons, labelling it “Summer Vacation Doesn’t Have This Many Days.” They have received backlash from sources within the federal government, as one-hundred and four days is the minimum mandated by the recently departed Department of Education.
- Jay-Z has promoted the release of his album The Blueprint 84, hinting at another mash-up with Linkin Park.
- Adele has announced the release of her newest album, 35, centered on the hit “Edge of 55,” and coupled with “Bridge Over Still Water.” She has taken on a theme for the next James Bond movie, 007: Goldpinkie.
- 5. Ozzy Osbourne’s estate has released a posthumous album: Satanism. Critics have renounced this act, believing that his estate has failed to achieve the pure dark sorcery of his Black Sabbath days. Critics have wondered if satanism itself is too moderate for the famed musician.
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