Nineteen Year Old Self-Proclaimed "High Fih-nance" Guy Invests Exclusively in "Ethically Ambiguous" Companies
Miles Harrington: "Money doesn't buy morals"
NEWS: 19-year-old “self employed entrepreneur and finance (pronounced “fih-nance”, not “fi-nance”) Miles Harrington has once again opened his Robinhood app during a college lecture, this time to check on his “assets” in Palantir Technologies and Lockheed Martin.
"Palantir is literally the future," said Harrington, adjusting his Patagonia vest. Harrington’s wardrobe consists exclusively of Patagonia, Peter Millar, and other brands suitable for “high finance”. He has never set foot on the East Coast, and gets his “fashion knowledge” for Instagram.
His current holdings include Palantir, Lockheed Martin, RTX Corporation, and a stake in a lithium mining company in the Congo. When asked whether he holds any ethical or moral concerns about investing in defense contractors and mass surveillance firms, and whether the minerals were mined ethically, Harrington replied smugly that "morals don't make money.”
Harrington, who has a framed photo of Patrick Bateman above his desk, spends most of his free time reviewing his investment “portfolio” and explaining to anyone within earshot why the Fed is "completely cooked" and how he’s “totally fried” now that the “DOW is up fifty thousand”. He audibly cites his subscription to The Economist as the main source of his fih-nancial wisdom.
Harrington first became interested in finance after watching The Wolf of Wall Street, englamored by the ruthlessness and decadence portrayed in the movie. “You know, as I’ve said before, sometimes you just gotta be able to make
tough choices. That’s the reality of corporate America, especially an industry as cutthroat as Wall Street.” What Harrington fails to realize is that his throat is the one being slit.
Harrington is also proud of his collection of finance books, which he refers to as his “bread and butter”. He has read the first forty pages of Liar's Poker and the first chapter of One Up On Wall Street, which he stopped after deeming the books to be “outdated” and "irrelevant”. He also owns a copy of Poor Charlie's Almanack that he has not opened but displays prominently on his desk facing outward. That is also the case with his copy of The 48 Laws of Power, which he “reads” in public spaces whilst looking around to see if anyone’s watching.
Having recently “watched” The Big Short, Harrington has become obsessed with "treasury bonds", since it was the only part of the movie he was actually interested in (Margot Robbie was explaining it in a bathtub).
