The S&P 500 has been changed to the S&P 0.5 because of extreme prices. Nasdaq said, “Because of these gas prices and this war with Iran, we simply cannot afford to hold 500+ stocks, so we will be rebranding to the S&P 0.5, investing in half a stock of Apple.” 

These extreme changes have led to public outrage, with even OpenAI CEO saying “What the hell? Half a stock of Apple? Are you kidding me? This is why I am going to take over the world with AI anyway…” 

The S&P’s average returns show a 14% growth annually, which makes no sense on why the Nasdaq would cut it to only Apple, and hopefully this was just some sort of sick joke by the board.

Apple’s CEO, John Ternus says, “Is this some sick joke? A half of Apple? Honestly, we want out of this stupid fund, this is a clear shame ritual as they can’t even afford to buy one share of Apple.”

Nasdaq head officials say this is due to the “political and economic state of the world” and how people nowadays are just like “too unserious, like bruh” officially saying that Jaden Smith was right overall.

Commenter Philis Turnip suggested “Why even do this if you are going to solely rely on Apple? Why don’t I just buy stock of Apple instead? This is what capitalism does to big entities, oh my god.”

Our sources say that this change will be permanent, and if tensions rise with Apple that they will declare a full scale war along with the U.S government to usurp Apple Park and take over Apple as an entire company with others Trump suggesting it be made a golf-course, and rename it to “Trump’s Great Great Park” 

The Nasdaq has fully committed to the plan and is not looking back, with the stock market crashing today.